


Mad House

by silver_drip



Category: Marvel, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Kid Fic, Loki's Kids, M/M, Parent Loki, Parent Tony Stark, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-03
Updated: 2017-10-03
Packaged: 2019-01-08 17:33:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12258912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silver_drip/pseuds/silver_drip
Summary: Steve goes to Tony to ask for money. He is surprised to see that Tony has gotten himself a rather large family.





	Mad House

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Teckmonky](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Teckmonky).



> Lyrics for Lily Allen's song 'F You'

* * *

 

It had been eight years since the disastrous Civil War, seven since Tony quit being an Avenger, and three since the accords were ratified to Steve’s liking and the rogue Avengers came back.

But without Tony as an Avenger and with the US garnishing their wages to pay reparations to all the people they’d hurt and infrastructure they damaged during the Civil War, money was tight.

The Avengers couldn’t afford the upkeep or rent for the Avengers Compound. The cost for jet fuel for the quinjets was mind blowing. Their gear was falling apart and they didn’t have enough money to get specialists to fix them.

So Steve was going to Tony, hat in hand.

They hadn’t spoken since Steve reached out to him when the accords had been ratified, and when he had Tony had brushed him off, stating he didn’t have time for empty apologies. Steve bit back his anger and tried to convince him to join the Avengers again, but Tony told him the group wasn’t worth his time.

It was a bit embarrassing to ask him for money, but not as bad as when he’d been a dancing monkey raising war bonds.

Stark Tower seemed to loom over him with a malicious glare.

All the windows had been tinted, making it harder to look through them from the outside.

As Steve walked into the lobby he gawped at the new design. He could only describe it as razor sharp and intimidating.

It clashed with the wholesome look that Steve favored.

He was so caught up in his staring that he didn’t notice the adolescent girl that was nearing him.

She was walking backwards and flipping off the cameras. She walked straight into Steve and spun around.

“Watch it, fuck face!” she said loudly, making Steve reel backwards. She stormed off before he could formulate a response.

Steve stood frozen in place. There was something familiar about her, something that set Steve on edge, but he couldn’t identify what it was.

Steve brushed off the feeling, figuring it was just his nerves making him see things.

There was no one at the receptionist desk, but there was a little push button bell. He glanced around before pushing it.

A swirl of pink and orange appeared behind the desk before forming a holographic woman. She was wearing a pink, high collared dress that made her look professional. Her read hair was cut in an asymmetric bob, and her expression was bored.

“Do you have an appointment?” she asked and Steve recognized her voice.

“Friday?” he asked.

“That’s me, unless you’re referring to the date. In which case I feel obliged to tell you it’s Wednesday.” There was something teasing in her voice, almost mocking. Steve didn’t rise to the bait. Apparently, she was still mad about the Civil War nonsense.

“Can I just see Tony?” Steve asked, trying not to let his impatience show.

“Do you have an appointment?”

“No, but—”

“Let me see if you’re on the list of people who are always welcome.” A pink holographic tablet popped into existence. Friday scrolled through it, putting on a show. “Nope, no Steve Rogers on the list.”

Friday disappeared.

Steve took in a slow, calming breath. After a beat, he pressed the bell again.

“Do you have an appointment?” Friday asked right away. “Oh, it’s you. Would you like to schedule an appointment? Boss will be free on,” Friday paused, “the 17th,” Steve grinned that was today, “of December,” Friday tacked on. That was over four months away.

“Can you just call Tony? I’m sure he’d be willing to see me.” Why did all of Tony’s AIs have to be so damn difficult?

“Hmm, I’ll give him a call.” Friday raises her hand to the side of her face as a holographic version of the latest Stark Phone appears. “Hey Boss.” There was a pause. “No, Hela left about three minutes ago. She was totally in a mood.” Friday giggled. “Yes, of course. Actually, I called because a gorilla named Steve Rogers is requesting to see you.” Friday swept her eyes over Steve, making him feel self-conscious. “I don’t know.” She pursed her lips. “Fine.” The phone pixilated into nothingness. “Mr. Rogers, please take the elevator to your right.”

He entered the elevator mid-song.

_♪ Fuck you (fuck you)_  
_Fuck you very, very much_  
 _Cause we hate what you do_  
 _And we hate your whole crew_  
 _So please don't stay in touch_ ♫

Steve had no doubt that Friday had chosen the song.

The elevator opened and Steve cringed at the loud music that was coming from Tony’s lab. It was another of those rock and roll songs Steve didn’t understand.

The door to the lab was open and as Steve walked in he froze in the doorway. The first thing he that caught his attention was a large, plastic castle—and the three children who were peeking out from it to look at him.

There was also a dragon about the size of a cat. A tiny boy with brown hair and green eyes was carrying it around as the dragon let out annoyed screeching noises.

A little girl was sitting at a desk near the other kids, drawing with crayons, but from what Steve could see it looked like a schematic.

A strange animal Steve couldn’t identify, almost a cross between an antelope and a cheetah, was sleeping in a hammock, its ears twitching ever so often.

Was Tony doing some weird animal experimentation? Steve had a scolding on the tip of his tongue, but held it back. He needed to ingratiate himself to Tony.

Steve finally spotted Tony among the chaos. He was concentrating on some device he was putting together.

There was a green goo with three eyes on his head and mixed in Tony’s hair.

Steve balked as he tried to make sense of it all.

“Rogers,” Tony greeted as the music turned down. He didn’t look away from the device he was working on. “What do you want?”

Steve walked over to him, avoiding the toys and machine bits that littered the ground.

“Hey, Tony. How are you doing?” Steve asked, trying to be pleasant. The goo on Tony’s head eyed him, making Steve uncomfortable.

Two of the kids in the castle tumbled out, wresting each other.

“No rough housing,” Tony called out, not even having to look at them.

“But daaaaaaaddd,” one whined. She ran over and clutched dirty jeans. “Daaaaaadddd!”

“Go to the gym if you must. The floor is padded for a reason.

The little girl squeaked happily.

“Astrid! Let’s go!” The other girl ran over and the little boy with the dragon toddled after them, sucking his thumb.

“Tadashi,” a blue hologram of a young Japanese man appeared, “can you make sure they don’t try to take apart the treadmill again?”

“Yeah, I’ll look after those knuckleheads.”

The hologram adjusted his baseball cap before walking after the three children.

Steve laughed feebly.

“I see you’ve made another AI.” Steve tried to sound friendly, but the way Tony glared at him made it clear it hadn’t worked. “Whose kids are these and was that a dragon?”

“Obviously, they’re mine. And Sapphy is a wyvern. What do you want?” Before Steve could respond Tony snapped his fingers. “Third strike, Glub!” The goo on Tony’s head convulsed. “I told you not to try and eat my earwax, but you did it anyway. Go tell your mother what you did.”

“Glub, glub, glub,” the goo said, belching out the words.

“No arguing, youngling.” The goo rounded into a ball and bounced off Tony’s head. It started rolling to the elevator, one eye staring back at them, somehow looking regretful. “Children these days,” Tony said to himself.

There was a loud hissing and Steve jumped backwards as a giant snake appeared from beneath the table.

Tony ran his hand over the snake’s head.

“Not, you Jor. You’re daddy’s little angel,” Tony crooned. The snake rested its head on Tony’s lap, barely able to fit. Tony snapped his fingers again. “What do you want, Rogers?”

“Oh, uhm, you see the thing is,” damn, Steve had rehearsed this, but the words came out as a jumble, “the Avengers’ wages are being garnished, except for Wasp’s and T’Challa’s, so things are a little tight and—”

“Are you asking for money?”

Steve’s face reddened. He looked at the ground despite himself.

Tony let out a sigh that was half annoyed, half tired.

“I leave the finances to my husband. You’ll have to ask him.” Tony patted Jor on the head and the snake retracted, curling up back under the table. “Babies! We’re going upstairs!”

There were a few grumbles.

One child who couldn’t be older than three went down the slide in the castle with an infant that looked like he could barely walk. The weird antelope-cheetah thing gracefully got out of the hammock and trotted over to them.

A green bat, fell from the ceiling. The skin that made up its wings was iridescent. It fluttered over to Tony before latching onto his earlobe. Steve would have mistaken it for a gaudy earring if it wasn’t blinking its green eyes.

“Daddy, can I stay? I wanna finish my design.” She looked up at him with big brown eyes.

“You can work on it upstairs. You know the rules. No little ones in the lab without my supervision.” The little girl grumbled to herself. She shut her crayon box loudly and gathered up a sheaf of paper before stomping over to the waiting elevator.

Tony went over and picked up the infant. The chubby cheeked girl tried to grab the bat, but Tony quickly switched which side she was on.

The infant tried to reach across him, but Tony grabbed her hand and pretended to eat it. She let out a shrill giggle that made Steve wince.

In the elevator, the antelope-cheetah leaned against Tony’s legs and Tony absentmindedly petted it between its ears.

Steve laughed nervously again.

“I didn’t know you had kids or that you were married.”

Tony gave him another sharp look.

“You should really watch the news.”

“Daddy, what’s for dinner? Can we have pasta?” one of the kids asked.

“Uncle Rhodey is coming over tonight so me and mommy will—”

“ _Mommy and I_ ,” the little girl with the schematic corrected.

“ _Mommy and I_ ,” Tony exaggerated while smiling, “will be having dinner with him. You munchkins will have whatever Kamala makes or orders in.”

“Sis-Fri, can you ask Kammy to make us sgetti tonight?”

“Will do, bugga-boo,” Friday said, not manifesting.

The rest of elevator ride was uncomfortable, or at least uncomfortable for Steve.

When the elevator doors opened Steve was greeted by more childish shrieks and laughter.

It was a madhouse. There was a mixture of children from a baby that was crawling around to a seven-year-old that was hitting the couch repeatedly with a whiffle bat. Among them was an assortment of creatures, half of which Steve didn’t recognize.

He gaped as an eight-legged horse shifted into a human teenager.

“Mom said I can get my learner’s permit if you promise to teach me to drive,” the teenager said, shifting on his (now) two feet as if he could barely contain himself.

“Teach you how to drive?” Tony scoffed. “I’m going to teach you how to zoom through traffic! Stick shift smoothly and pick up all the babes!” Tony reached over and ruffled his hair. The teenager blushed. “We’ll go at five. That should give me enough time to get back before Uncle Rhodey gets here. That work for you, Sleph?”

Sleph grinned brightly and gave Tony a hug. He took the infant from Tony’s arms and walked to the kitchen.

“You didn’t tell me we were having guests!” a voice screeched out and Steve froze when he saw Loki.

Tony chuckled and went over to the standing god. He gave him a kiss on the cheek. Tony leaned down to the sling around Loki’s middle that was carrying an egg that was as large as a basketball. Tony gave it a kiss.

Loki shifted his glass of wine (didn’t he know it was only ten in the morning?) to his other hand before swatting Tony on the shoulder.

“Anthony, you will give me proper advanced notice next time you bring someone over. I’m not dressed properly!” Loki tried smoothing down his long, frazzled hair, but it only caused something that looked like applesauce to smear. “Oh, it’s just him.”

Loki smoothly sat down on a couch. He shooed away the child that was hitting it with a whiffle bat. Something under Loki’s shirt shifted and Steve was reminded of the movie where aliens burst from humans’ chests.

Instead, a little black kitten poked its head out. Its mouth was wet with white liquid.

“Mommy,” the kitten said, surprising Steve for what felt like the hundredth time that day, “Sirkka keeps biting my tail!”

Loki pulled open the collar of his shirt and looked down it.

“That’s it! I’m weaning you two off! Out, out, out!”

“Noooooo!” twin voice cried out from Loki’s shirt.

Steve’s face screwed up at the absurdity of the situation.

“You heard your mother,” Tony said in a firm voice that Steve had never heard before. “Out before I pick you up by your scruffs.”

Two kittens, one black and the other brown hopped out of Loki’s shirt and onto the egg. One jumped into a bassinet that Steve hadn’t noticed before. The blue baby inside of it started crying.

Loki took a large gulp of wine and easily rocked the bassinet with his foot. The baby quieted down instantly.

Loki sighed happily.

“My babies are so perfect.” Loki took a sip of wine, his eyes glimmering with contentment.

“Our children are hellspawn,” Tony said while smirking.

“You and Loki are…” Steve couldn’t say the word.

“Do you seriously not watch the news?” Two children went by them, screaming bloody murder. Loki and Tony ignored them. “Whatever. Lokes, did Glubbington tell you what ze did?”

“No, ze did not! Glubbington, get in here!” Loki shouted, making Steve flinch.

“Ohhhh, someone’s in trouble~” a kid called out and a few others snickered.

The goo from before rolled in.

“Glub, glub,” it belched out and once again Steve was amazed by how much emotion it could convey. It somehow sounded remorseful.

“A likely story.” Loki held out his glass and Tony absentmindedly filled it with wine that Steve was certain cost more than a house. “Go to your room. You’re in charge of cleaning the bathrooms for a week.” The goo made a raspberry noise.

“No backtalk, youngling,” Tony said sharply, not raising his voice. Glubbington rolled off, but not before making a farting noise. Tony shook his head. “I swear he gets his attitude from you, Lokes.”

“Ha! As if!” Loki drank more of his wine. “What brings you to our humble tower, fellow-former-criminal?” Loki had a shit-eating grin and was still rocking the bassinet with his foot. The other kitten curled up on top of the egg, glaring at Steve the whole time.

Steve cleared his throat, trying to get his bearings. He was here for a reason.

He turned to Tony.

“Ah, yes, you see the thing is—”

“Talk to Loki. He’s in charge of finances even though I’m the one who makes all the money.” Tony sat on the couch by Loki and one of the kids threw herself onto his lap. He winced, but didn’t say anything, bouncing her on his knee.

Steve cleared his throat and turned to Loki, who somehow looked even more condescending than before.

“The Avengers are having a tough time with maintaining our gear and keeping the quinjet battle ready. The US hasn’t been helping up monetarily since the accords were put in place and with the different superhero teams around the world we only get a small fraction of what the UN pays.” Steve didn’t bring up how their wages were being garnished, too embarrassed to admit it. “I was hoping that Tony could find it in his heart to help us keep the US and the world safe by investing in us.”

“Such a pretty speech.” Loki put a hand on his chest and made a flourishing motion with his wine glass. “As a US citizen and citizen of the world I am moved.” Loki took a sip of his wine and seemed to be thinking it over. “That’s why Tony and I decided to invest in the Atlantic coast Avengers. We find Captain Marvel and her team to be much more reliable and exactly what the US needs what with all these new ‘villains’, but if you were perhaps to _kneel_ and beg me on your knees I could allocate a few million for your team.”

Steve’s jaw automatically set stubbornly before he made himself breathe in through his nose. This wasn’t about Steve’s pride or Loki’s twisted sense of humor. Steve was doing this for his team. For America.

Steve went down onto his knees. Loki leaned forward looking more like the villain Steve had fought in Stuttgart.

“Please, Loki, can you find it in your heart to invest in me and my team?” Steve said through clenched teeth.

“Hmm,” Loki rubbed his jaw in thought. “Nope!”

There was a howl of laughter before Steve was teleported to the sidewalk outside of the tower.


End file.
